Turning Towards Each Other Instead of Away

Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., Certified Sex Therapist

Can you think back to the last time that you or your partner said something to one another in passing?  Did you or your partner respond?  Even the slightest um-hm can help to build emotional connection and trust!

A resource that I often utilize when discussing this concept with couples is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  This book is not only based on the research of the Gottman Institute, it offers a wealth of knowledge to apply the principles in a practical and manageable manner.  Turning towards one another is so important for Gottman, that it is the third principle of this book. 

In the words of John Gottman, “couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.”  These bids can be hidden in conversation that is highly mundane, such as an innocuous um-hm to a partner’s statement, or more significant conversation, such as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.  Partners either turn toward one another with these bids for affection or they turn away from one another.  Gottman’s research has shown that the tendency to turn toward each other is the basis for emotional connection and trust.  In one of the Gottmans’ studies that followed newly weds for 6 years, they found that couples who were still married at year 6 had turned towards each other an average of 86 percent of the time (while being watched in their love lab) as compared to couples who had divorced, who had only turned toward each other 33 percent of the time.  Gottman posits that each time partners turn toward each another, they are actually making a deposit in their emotional bank account.  The emotional bank account acts as a cushion for when life is hard (stress increases or conflict arises).  Couples who continually makes deposits into their bank account, have more emotional resources to lean on in tough circumstances.  If you struggle with understanding the type of behaviors that could contribute to you and your partners’ emotional bank account, initiate this conversation with your partner!  Gottman also provides a great list of things on page 95 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

One of the aspects of turning towards each other that I highly focus on with couples, is that your emotional bank account is built on the small moments of life.  While it might be lovely to have grand vacations and impressive moments of connection, that is not what emotional trust and connection is built on.  Gottman states that passion and love is “kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”  When advertisement and social media influence these thoughts - remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas vacation.

While the trusty um-hm might not always be a sufficient answer for you or your partner, take the time to be aware of how you and your partner are responding to one another – add the much-needed tokens to your shared emotional piggy bank!  If this has been a challenge for you and your partner, take a look at what stands in the way of connecting and turning towards one another.  Often this occurs out of mindlessness, not malice – which can often include electronics, like our phones, computers, tv, etc.  If electronics are one of the biggest things that stand in the way of connection, try out no-tech evenings or hours.  As always, we at Heights Family Counseling are always here to help initiate this conversation through couples therapy – reach out to our office today!