Can Abuse Happen to Me?

Written by Elisa Colera, M.Ed, LPC

People often think of abusive relationships as violent, horrendous, and bloody, like something you would see on some sensational television drama. While that is the experience of many, other survivors may not relate. In fact, more often than not, domestic violence does not involve the use of physical abuse. Non-physical forms of abuse can be just as if not even more painful and harmful to survivors’ wellbeing.

Another common assumption about domestic violence is that it only happens in lower socioeconomic classes or in families of lesser education. In reality, domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of privilege. It does not discriminate against race, class, sex, or gender-identity. Differing social class or sex of the offending partner only alters the means of control employed and the barriers to leaving the relationship.

For more affluent families, the barriers may differ. For instance, they may fear the very real potential impact on their status in their social and professional lives, or their partner may wield significant power in the community to make reporting the abuse or leaving the relationship next to impossible. Survivors of more affluent families may also experience even greater feelings of shame, humiliation, isolation, and self-blame, compounded due to the myth that domestic abuse only occurs in lower socioeconomic classes.

All of these myths about domestic violence feed into the stigma surrounding the issue, which creates even greater difficulty for survivors to leave an abusive relationship and make it that much harder to heal from said trauma. Shame thrives in such secrecy, and sometimes lack of support from loved ones and not being believed can be even more painful than the abuse itself.

Moreover, such misconceptions protect us from the psychological discomfort that comes with the fact that truly, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship due to the manipulative, subtle, and controlling nature of domestic abuse. By dispelling some of these misconceptions, we may realize that domestic abuse is far more common. You might even find yourself identifying with some of the experiences.

Just a few examples of non-physical abuse are:

Psychological Abuse
-Your partner degrades your character and/or capabilities

-Gaslighting
-Humiliating you in public
-Yelling or screaming at you
-Isolating you from friends and family
-Intimidating you through actions, facial expressions, or tone of voice
-Attempting to control what you wear, who you talk to, or where you go
-Installing a tracking device on your phone or car
-Making threats towards you, your children, pets, or loved ones
-Going through your phone or other personal belongings without your permission
-Hiring a private investigator to track you
-Threatening your reputation

Legal Abuse
-Manipulating the judicial system with bribes

-Making false allegations of child abuse
-Blocking access to other legal support

Financial Abuse
-Refusing to contribute to household expenses
-Not allowing you to work
-Hiding significant debt if you are anticipating sharing finances
-Maxing out credit cards or otherwise ruining your credit score
-Restricting access to shared assets
-Sabotaging your career

Sexual and Reproductive Abuse
-Pressuring you to get pregnant or have children
-Threatening to out your sexual orientation you if you leave
-Manipulating or coercing you to have sex
-Sabotaging birth control methods, such as damaging condoms or not taking birth control when they say they are

Spiritual Abuse
-Using spiritual beliefs to pressure you to stay together
-Making fun of your spiritual beliefs
-Forcing you to practice a religion you don’t agree with

Abuse Through Children
-Turning your children against you

-Using your children to stay in your life or control you

-Using your children to keep track of you, frighten you, or harass you

-Threatening to have your children taken away

-Using financial resources to manipulate children to stay with them

Means of control tends to escalate in abusive relationships, sometimes unpredictably. These relationships can be very dangerous, even if there hasn’t been any physical violence in the past. We encourage survivors who are currently in an abusive relationship to seek help safety planning, even if they have no intention of leaving the relationship. We respect that there are countless valid reasons to stay in an abusive relationship, not least of which is the threat of increased danger.

If you think you may have experienced any form of abuse from a current or former relationship, trauma therapy can provide a trauma-informed and non-judgmental space to process your experiences, emotions, trauma reactions, and thoughts. You might find that the abuse has shattered your trust in yourself and others, rocked your worldview, caused you to experience nightmares, intrusive thoughts and memories, irritability, sleep disturbances, or an inability to feel happy. You may feel numbness, shame, guilt, or blame yourself for the abuse. Developing new coping strategies, safety planning, identifying values, exploring questions about your experiences, and defining what you want to do are all topics that can be discussed in therapy if you think you might have experienced abuse. Ultimately therapy provides a space to recreate a sense of safety with others and within oneself. Contact us to learn more.

Elisa Colera, M.Ed., LPC earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at Incarnate Word University with a Concentration in Child and Adolescent Development. Elisa has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. She is licensed to practice counseling independently in the state of Texas under her Licensed Professional Counselor license. Elisa has extensive experience /training in working with clients who have experienced trauma, relationship issues, and couples therapy. In addition to completing 2 levels of Gottman Couples Therapy, she is a Prepare and Enrich Facilitator. To schedule an appointment click Here