Empathy in Healthy Relationships

 Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., CST, LPC

Lead Clinical Therapist

Empathy forms the cornerstone of healthy and thriving relationships, deepening connection and understanding between partners.  

Understanding Empathy in Relationships:  

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Research from the Gottman Institute highlights its central role in fostering emotional intimacy and satisfaction within relationships.  John Gottman is known for quoting Ginott’s, “understanding must precede advice” when discussing the pivotal importance of empathy within a relationship.  Their research demonstrates that couples who actively practice empathy report higher levels of trust and overall relationship quality.  Their studies also reveal that partners who consistently demonstrate empathy create a positive emotional climate, paving the way for effective communication and conflict resolution, even in difficult moments. 

Empathy as a Communication Tool: 

Effective communication is impossible without empathy.  Empathetic listening promotes a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, reducing misunderstandings and fostering emotional connection.  The Gottman Institute's findings underscore the importance of turning towards your partner with empathy during both positive and challenging moments.

Cultivating Empathy in Relationships: 

Building and nurturing empathy requires intentional effort.  Couples therapy can teach and build the utilization of practical strategies for enhancing empathy, such as active listening, validating emotions, and practicing perspective-taking.  The Gottman Institute's interventions often include exercises that encourage partners to express understanding and compassion towards each other.

Empathy During Conflict Resolution: 

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but empathy transforms how couples navigate these challenges.  The Gottman Method advocates for using soft startups, appreciation, responsibility of self, and self-soothing, while also avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (profoundly referred to as the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse) during conflicts.  Empathic communication serves as an antidote to these destructive communication patterns, creating a space for constructive dialogue.  The Gottman Institute’s research shows that in utilizing the Four Horsemen over empathy or their specific antidotes, couples are at risk and often destined for divorce. 

The Neurological Impact of Empathy: 

Neuro-scientific studies align with the therapeutic insights, demonstrating the positive impact that empathy has on brain functioning.  When partners express empathy, it activates neural pathways associated with reward and reinforces emotional bonds.  In a recent study out of Poland*, researchers have also found that brain activation is the same (same parts) for both when people experience their own emotions and when they see the same emotion in others.  Again, underscoring the importance of seeing and communicating empathetically within a relationship.

Empathy's Ripple Effect: 

Research suggests that the positive effects of practicing empathy extend beyond a relationship.  Empathy also positively influences family dynamics and broader social connections (friendships and familial relationships).  The Gottman Institute's research indicates that couples who model empathetic behavior, also contribute to a more supportive and nurturing environment for their children.

Empathy stands as a foundational element in building and maintaining healthy relationships.  We can easily see that empathy serves as a catalyst for emotional connection, effective communication, and conflict resolution.  As couples cultivate empathy, they embark on a journey towards a deeper, more fulfilling connection that could withstand the test of time.

If you are struggling to find empathy in your relationship, couples counseling can help. Contact us to learn more.

*How We Empathize with Others: A Neurobiological Perspective: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3524680/#:~:text=Neuroimaging%20studies%20indicate%20that%20the,an%20important%20aspect%20of%20empathizing.