Healthy Communication: ARC Statements

WRITTEN BY RACHAEL LINDBERG, M.S., LPC, SXI

PSYCHOTHERAPIST & BOARD CERTIFIED SEXOLOGIST

Improving communication skills is one of the most common goals for individuals and couples seeking therapy. Interpersonal skills are essential in all aspects of our lives- work and career, friendships, romantic relationships, and parenting. Miscommunication can escalate conflict and lead to feeling misunderstood. Effective communication skills can improve interpersonal functioning by promoting respect, building trust, encouraging emotional safety and vulnerability, and improving collaboration and compromise. Communication difficulties can stem from a variety of factors including mental health, neurodiversity, feeling misunderstood or unsafe in a relationship, and lack of modeling from parents or caregivers. Identifying and utilizing specific techniques can be an effective way to improve communication skills and how we relate to others.

“I” Statements, created by Thomas Gordon in the 1960s, are a popular communication tool that encourages assertiveness without blaming others, reducing defensiveness. The Gottman Institute, the leading research organization for couples therapy, has developed a framework that encourages the use of “I” Statements to reduce criticism, which has been identified as a contributing factor to divorce. The Gottman Institute calls “I” Statements a Softened Startup, which is a way to introduce a complaint or situation that needs to be addressed. The goal is to reduce defensiveness and have a more productive conversation that doesn’t escalate into conflict. The structure is “I feel [emotion] when [situation] and I need [request].” For example, someone might say, “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is dirty. Please help me clean it up tonight.”  The Softened Startup is an excellent tool, however, some people struggle with “I” Statements because they know they are about to be “in trouble” and feel lectured by their partner, even if that is not the intent. 

An alternative communication strategy is a tool called “ARC Statements.” I first read about ARC Statements in Sometimes Therapy is Awkward by Nicole Arzt, LMFT which was introduced as a communication strategy to improve boundary setting. The structure for ARC Statements is to Acknowledge your part, Report the issue, and Collaborate on a solution. I love that this strategy allows the speaker to take accountability for their contribution to the problem, name a reasonable complaint to be addressed, and encourages collaboration.

A few examples of ARC Statements: 

  • “I want to acknowledge that I contributed to the mess in the kitchen. We have let it go past what is comfortable and we can’t use the sink. What do you think about brainstorming a more consistent schedule for cleaning?”

  • “I admit that I have been stressed and irritable this past week. We have not been communicating well and seem to be fighting a lot. Let’s make a plan to sit down and talk about how we can support each other during stressful weeks.”

  • “I recognize that I waited a long time to bring this up. It’s overwhelming for me to plan meals during the week because we are so busy with work. Do you have any ideas for meal planning?” 

Healthy and effective communication strategies are invaluable skills in all aspects of our lives. Communication can be improved through both individual and couples counseling. Our hope is to improve interpersonal communication and overall well-being in our professional, personal, romantic, and family relationships. 

 

Consider Couples Counseling:

If you are looking for couples counseling to promote a healthy relationship,  a skilled therapist can help with these goals. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person counseling. 

Begin Counseling in Houston, TX, or San Antonio, TX: 

Our team of skilled therapists is passionate about helping you build the life you want. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their stories. Together, we ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would love to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX & San Antonio, TX, or online therapy in Texas:

1. Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation

2. Meet with one of our  therapists

3. Begin couples counseling to help strengthen your relationship

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