The Unwritten Roles & Unspoken Rules of Families that deal with Addiction
Written by Ashley Taylor, M.S.W, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
As mentioned in the previous blog post, Addiction & The Ripple Effect that Recovery has on Families, substance use disorder is a disease that impacts the entire family system. Through my conversation with Rachel Evans, who is a family therapist for the Center for Recovering Families at The Council on Recovery here in Houston, we talked about the different ways that people within the system surrounding addiction adapt to maintain balance within the family unit. As we discussed in the previous blog post, not only is the person with the substance use disorder affected by the addiction, but the people within their close circle (whether it be family, friends or a combination of both) come to adapt to the associated behaviors. There are many roles that the people closest to someone with substance use disorder can embody that contribute to the functionality of the system itself. There are a few adaptations of these roles, but the most common are the hero, the scapegoat, the addict, the mascot, the caretaker, and the lost child. While someone in the family unit might outwardly display particular character traits, there are also feelings that exist beneath the surface that are harder to recognize.
Hero → The hero is often seen as the responsible one. This person will cover up the mistakes of the addict in an attempt to maintain the appearance of a “normal” family, while attempting to repair any damage that is being done in the home.
Scapegoat → The scapegoat is sometimes viewed as the problem child. This person will act out in order to divert attention away from the person with the substance use disorder.
Addict → The addict is the person with the substance use disorder and is at the center of the system. The behaviors displayed by the other members of the family revolve around this person.
Mascot → The mascot is the member of the family who displays comedic behavior in an attempt to reduce the tension in the household that exists because of the behaviors of the addict.
Caretaker → The caretaker is seen as the enabler of the family. This person makes attempts to cover up the behavior of the addict in order to keep the peace of the family unit.
Lost child → The lost child is the quiet one in the family. This person often flies under the radar while the other family members play their roles within the system.
While not every family system will reflect these roles, oftentimes, these roles are displayed in some form or fashion. By taking on these roles, people within the system of the individual with the substance use disorder are able to assert some control over the outcome of their situation and maintain a sense of normalcy in a situation where one can feel very out of control. “If I cannot control the person, I can at least control how I respond to and support this person, and by doing so, I am able to gain a sense of control which helps me to feel more comfortable.”
In families that deal with substance use disorder, there are unwritten rules that people within the system abide by in order to prevent disruption within the system. These rules are: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. These rules are followed by people within the system to maintain the status quo. “Everyone in the system often begins to believe that their needs no longer matter”, says Rachel Evans. These rules are adaptations made beyond the roles that people within the family unit follow that help protect the goal that everyone has taken on, which is managing life with someone who deals with substance use disorder. This causes family members to come to understand it like this: We don’t talk about the addiction. Secrecy allows the addiction to thrive. We can’t trust the person with a substance use disorder. Addiction often comes with inconsistent behaviors, so family members often learn to not trust their loved one. We don’t feel emotions because the family often suppresses their emotional experiences of the addiction. Because of these learned rules, recovery often begins with talking openly about the addiction safely, rebuilding trust, and identifying emotions in all members of the family. A third blog post will follow, outlining how family members must learn to take care of themselves throughout a process like this.
Work-related to family roles can be attributed to the author and therapist Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse. Work-related to family rules within an addicted family system can be attributed to renowned addiction author, speaker, and trainer Dr. Claudia Black.
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