Written by Tyler Neely, M.S. LPC Intern

Professional Counselor, Heights Family Counseling

Oh, the Teenage Years…

When you look back on your teenage years, do you have memories of confidence, fun, happiness, and connection? Yes? Well lucky you!

For most, the teenage years are a pretty rough time. They are often riddled with conflict and shame. Most teens experience lots of conflict from many different sources. Perhaps, they argue all the time with their well-meaning parents. Maybe, their friend circles are filled with drama. Or maybe, they experience inner conflict as they try and figure out who they are and what life is really all about.

Teens and Identity Development

Developmentally, the teenage years are when their brains are really grasping abstract thought and are starting to consider the idea of identity. Younger teens are often consumed with doing anything they can to fit in. This is a desperate attempt to feel connected to something larger than themselves, and to not feel completely alone in this strange world. As they progress through adolescence, they go through the developmental stage of establishing a personal identity upon which to base their identity and shape their world. If they miss out or are unable to develop a secure identity, it leads to confusion and insecurity. These confused feelings can negatively impact all facets of life, well into adulthood.

Any sort of stumbling block can make identity development even more arduous than it already is

Maybe, they’re the last guy to get his growth spurt or the first girl to develop breasts. Whether their parents are distant and aloof, or their parents are always in their business. Or if they grew up on River Oaks Boulevard or they grew up in a less affluent area and had to wear the same clothes to school every day… everyone has their own struggle, pain, and disadvantage. But, it may not be obvious to anyone else. Many people are unable to develop a strong identity base until young, or even middle adulthood because various traumas, roadblocks, and disadvantages make the journey to get to know one’s own self too confusing. Imagine struggling with all of these universal identity battles and struggles but adding on one more… “Am I gay?”

Am I Gay?

Puberty is one of the most exciting, enjoyable, and relaxing times in our human lives…said no one, ever.

Not only are their faces muddled with annoying pink bumps that won’t go away no matter how much Accutane we take or Proactiv commercials they succumb to. But, their bodies are starting to develop sexually as well. While their bodies are changing and getting ready for sexual activity, their minds are becoming aware of the attractiveness of other people that could be potential romantic, emotional, and/or sexual partners.

Seemingly overnight, “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider” becomes “omg, he looks just like Harry Styles, how can I get his attention.” This is a strange and awkward transition for everyone. They are trying something new, but they don’t know what we are doing yet, at all. They likely watch Netflix shows and movies and read magazines to give us hints as to what it means to relate to someone in a way that is more than a friend. Everyone fumbles around during this process and makes many mistakes. But, for some teens, this is an especially difficult time because they are starting to recognize that they have feelings developing for someone of the same gender.

The impact of this realization is startling

Society teaches us that we are supposed to be with members of the opposite sex. You see this represented by parents, media, billboards, music, and more. While this has started to change slowly in pop culture, with Netflix including a token LGBTQ+ character in most of their original shows, it still is not the primary visual being exhibited in the world. LGBTQ teens feel like they don’t fit in with their peers and they’re challenging what society expects them. Perhaps, they even experience inner conflict that leads to shame, fear, anxiety, anger, and/or depression.

In Houston, Texas, it is estimated that 40% of homeless youth are LGBTQ+. That number is staggering. LGBTQ youth are almost twice as likely to become homeless than non-LGBTQ individuals. One of the primary reasons for this discrepancy is the reaction they get when coming out to their parents. Unfortunately, many LGBTQ youth are disowned and kicked out of their family homes when they come out to their parents.

Parenting an LGBTQ+ Teen

Being gay or lesbian in and of itself is not the reason that so many LGBTQ teens experience mental health concerns. Issues arise when they are not allowed a safe space to explore their identity, when they can’t be open and authentic about their feelings with people they trust, and when they feel ashamed and alone for something that they cannot change about themselves. When young LGBTQ+ teens are given freedom and safety to explore in the same way that heterosexual, cis-gender teens are, then they can develop without the shame, anxiety, and depression that so commonly plagues the LGBTQ+ community. Sounds simple, right?

So, you’re a parent and your daughter tells you that they think they maybe, kinda, sorta, might like their friend Ashley in a way that is more than just friends…What do you do?

Don’t Freak Out!

Your child is likely feeling scared, very vulnerable, and anxious about how you are going to react. They have probably thought over how this conversation may go hundreds of times and may have asked friends for advice.

On the other hand, they may feel it is not a big deal at all and maybe coming to you without any anxiety. In this case, the worst thing you can do is be the first place where they learn they need to be ashamed or anxious about these feelings.

You know your child better than anyone else, so read their emotions as they are coming out to you. If it seems difficult for them to share, show them love and acceptance first. If they look like they need a hug, then hug them! If they are nonchalant about it, then show them that you are comfortable with this information too. Managing your initial reaction can save you and your child immense amounts of pain going forward.

Allow for Exploration

Some parents mean the absolute best but may overreact in the supportive reaction as well. If you hear your child share that they have feelings for another boy when they are 12 but don’t use the word “gay” themselves, then don’t put them into that box for them. This is the natural time of their development when they need to explore their identity and figure out who they authentically are. If you tell them who they are, even if you feel it is being supportive, it is forcing them in a direction that may not actually be true.

The Kinsey Scale, first published in 1948, shows that sexuality is a spectrum. More recent thought on the sexuality scale shares that nobody is 100% heterosexual and nobody is 100% gay or lesbian. Everyone falls somewhere in the middle. Teens and young adults are in the stage of life where they are first figuring out where they fall on that spectrum. They may fluctuate wildly during these years. One day that they may feel all the way gay, and then feeling completely straight within a few months.

Allow for the exploration and engage in it with them. Show that it is okay that they do not know what they want, and support them in healthy ways to explore. But, DO NOT use this as evidence to think about your child coming out to you as “just a phase.” That type of thinking can lead to life-lasting harm as it will be interpreted by your child as judgment and shame.

Just Ask

As parents, you may have done all of the research, read all of the books and blogs, and listened to all of the podcasts about how to support your children’s growth and development. But, perhaps you never actually talk to them about what they need.

Ask your child what they need from you and how you can be a loving and supporting parent for them as they are exploring their sexual identity. They may have no idea at first, and that is okay. They are figuring out what this means even more than you are. Do they want to be connected to LGBTQ+ groups? Do they want a therapist to talk to? Should you be part of this process with them or not? Try not to force your help, but be verbal about your desire to be a support and someone to talk to if they ever want or need it.

Love Them

If you have spent the time to read this article, I feel you can do this pretty well. People of all ages need love to survive and thrive. Especially when they are breaking out of their comfort zones and trying something that’s potentially scary. Show them love. Show them that you care, that you are on their team, and that you will never abandon them.

If parents can learn how to be supportive assets to their children during their sexual identity process, we can end the pandemic of homelessness and suicide among our LGBTQ+ youth.

A Final Reminder…

Every person is unique, and in the same manner, every journey of identity development is unique as well. Please remember that there is no perfect plan of action that works for every person. So, make sure you are not forcing your child to fit any mold in relation to their identity exploration. What may be absolutely necessary for one teen could be potentially harmful to the next. Be sure to engage in open and vulnerable communication with your teen and to only expect surprises.

If you’re looking for support for your teen or yourself, I encourage you to book a consultation at our Houston, TX counseling practice. Our therapists specialize in a wide variety of mental health concerns. However, we have therapists on staff, like myself, who specialize in offering LGBTQ counseling. We understand how challenging this process is for teens are here to support them in whatever way they need.

Begin LGBTQ Counseling

If your LGBTQ teen is struggling, we encourage you to talk with them about the benefits of working with an LGBTQ-friendly therapist and getting mental health support. If you live in Houston or anywhere in the state of Texas, we would be honored to talk with them about the ways we can support them on their journey. To begin counseling in Houston, TX or online therapy in Texas, follow these steps:

Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation,
Meet with an LGBTQ affirming therapist,
Begin therapy in Houston, TX or online therapy in Texas and work on the issues that matter most to you!

About the Author:

Ty Neely holds a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of St. Thomas here in Houston. He specializes in adolescent and adult counseling, focusing primarily on Humanistic, Existential, and Psychodynamic methods of treatment. Ty has years of experience working with teens and young adults struggling with various topics including identity issues, trauma, relationship conflict, anxiety, depression, and others. He has also been trained to work with the LGBTQ+ population and has a heart for showing that community love and acceptance, where they often have been abandoned and shamed. His experience includes coming out concerns, gender transition, substance abuse, and self-acceptance and love.

Mom, I Think I’m Gay… Sexual Identity Development for LGBTQ Teens and How Parents Can Help