Your Worth Is Not Up for Discussion
Written by Michele Dial, M.Ed., LPC
Your worth is intrinsic. It is a natural, stable part of your existence. Period.
I wish I could stop there. Unfortunately, far too many of us don’t believe it, and will brush it off and keep holding on to the painful and false belief that your worth is dependent on what other people see.
But no one’s worth – not mine, not yours, not theirs – is determined by a committee.
We are all created equal.
And we ALL have worth. Yes, even you.
The you who was abused and relentlessly shamed at some point in your life.
The you who was taught you have to achieve and accomplish to prove your worth.
The you who believes you have to lose yourself to earn love.
The you whose identity is built on the sandcastle that is your work performance.
You are not worth less when you make a mistake or do something that is hurtful toward another. Your value is not diminished when someone does not like or approve of what you do. We are accountable for our actions. But your inherent value remains stable. It is within you. The same is true for all people. It’s not up to any individual to determine the value of another person.
That’s because our worth at its core is based in our humanity. If we could all embrace this truth, maybe we could all stop letting other people tell us what we’re worth. When we let others define our worth, it can never be stable. It will vary from person to person as they view us with their subjective lens defined by their beliefs and values.
Of course, we care what other people think. It especially matters what the people close to us see in us. Of course, we humans impact one another. Of course, words can hurt. Deeply. But the reality is that we cannot control all of these factors in our lives. So it doesn’t make sense to define ourselves by them.
“When we stop caring what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. But when we are defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable.”
Brene´ Brown, Rising Strong
We are all flawed, imperfect human beings – we just have different flavors of imperfections. Not a single one of us humans gets everything right, every time. And not a single one of us can please everyone, all the time. It’s quite literally impossible. Because different people want different things from us. So trying to please everyone becomes a chaotic, scattered pursuit of goals that are often in direct conflict with each other. It can be maddening. And exhausting.
Are you tired? Have you maxed out all of your resources and found that you still have not accomplished pleasing absolutely everyone? Is someone disappointed with choices you’ve made?
In her book, Untamed, Glennon Doyle wisely advises her daughter,
“Every time you’re given the choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
If the idea of disappointing others raises your heartrate a little too much, you are exactly the person she’s talking to. The idea is not to disappoint people flippantly because you don’t care for them or respect them. Rather, it is a thoughtful and brave decision in service of staying true to yourself. It’s a hard call to let someone down, so we shouldn’t take it lightly. But sometimes it’s necessary in order to honor our values and beliefs. And we must be aware of the pain we experience when are willing to disappoint ourselves over and over again in order to please others and hustle for our worth.
If other people’s opinions don’t determine my worth, what does?
The beauty of this journey of self-discovery is that no one else is defining your worth. You’ve already taken the reins in that department. This issue is really about the measuring stick you’re using to evaluate yourself. And the potential humans have to judge ourselves far more harshly that anyone else. If we are using external factors, such as others’ principles and expectations, to determine our worth, we will never measure up.
So let’s redefine that measuring stick, shall we? Instead of trying to live according to what other people identify as valuable or important, let’s live according to our own values and beliefs. Instead of letting other people demand what they want from us, let’s choose what we want to offer the world according to our calling and strengths.
Clearly define your personal values. If we’re going to let our values be our guide, then we better get clear on what we believe and what we value. Some of us still carry the values our families of origin or regular caregivers gave us in our childhood. Some of us base our values on our faith or spiritual guidance. Some of us look to the universe or mother nature for values.
Wherever your values originated, the first step is to take an inventory. Spend some time reflecting on the beliefs you carry and the values you hold sacred. Then you can decide what fits for you and what you may be ready to let go of or modify. There are several online tools available to help with this exercise. I like the work of Brene´ Brown or Scott Jeffrey.
Live within your integrity. Once you’ve recalibrated – or rediscovered – your internal compass, you’re responsible for honoring it. This is how you determine when you’re in a healthy space, and when you could stand to make some adjustments. Sometimes we become aware of being out of sync with our values through the feedback of others. But the feedback itself is not the guide.
We are not meant to internalize and own every piece of feedback we receive. Instead, we can use it to hold ourselves accountable to our internal guide. Did I live according to my values today? Did I do my best to show up and honor my beliefs? That’s how we keep external feedback in check. At the end of each precious day we get, we have to look ourselves in the mirror. We have to be able to sleep soundly with the choices we’ve made. No one else can give us that peace.
Identify your strengths, your calling, and your boundaries. You have a lot of strengths and positive traits that you bring into the world. Believe me. Everyone has gifts and talents. If you’re struggling to identify yours, ask the people closest to you – family, long-term friends, the people you trust the most in the world. And don’t limit yourself to marketable or career-worthy skills. Think of all your attributes. Are you funny? Accepting of others? Open-minded? A safe harbor when someone you care about is in need? Are you good at seeing multiple perspectives? Are you good at explaining things so that others can understand easily?
Be generous and broad-reaching with this exercise.
Your calling is a key component to this piece. Just because you’re good at telling jokes, doesn’t mean you owe it to the world to be a standup comedian. Just because you have a beautiful voice and love to sing, doesn’t mean you have to be a rock star. Your calling is the intersection of your strengths and values. What are you good at and what will honor your values? What will give you a sense of fulfillment and peace? When you answer these questions, YOU get to choose what you offer the world, rather than the world deciding what it will take from you. Setting firm, flexible boundaries will help you stick to these choices.
To sum it up, YOU decide what you give to the world. YOU decide what values will guide your choices. And YOU decide whether or not you’re living according to the guidelines you’ve set for yourself. When you’re in the driver’s seat of your life, the input of others can be a tool for accountability and connection, but it won’t define you or your worth.
Your value is intrinsic. It’s up to you to discover it, recognize it, own it. You will never be everything. But you are already enough.
“Some of what I’m leaving behind in this season is the need to please everyone. … After a lifetime of believing that the voices that mattered were Out There, approving or disapproving of me, I’m learning to trust the voice within, the voice of God’s Spirit, the whisper of my own soul. And when you learn to listen to that voice, the screaming of the crowd matters less. In some blessed moments, it matters not at all.”
Shauna Niequest, Present Over Perfect
SERVICES MICHELE OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING
Michele offers a variety of mental health services for adults at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. Her mental health services include: adult therapy, depression treatment, anxiety treatment, therapy for stress and burnout, trauma treatment and EMDR, and counseling for life transitions. She also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office or read her bio.