Recognizing Red Flags and Green Flags in a Relationship

WRITTEN BY RACHAEL LINDBERG, M.S., LPC

PSYCHOTHERAPIST & Certified Sexologist

While dating, we are often told we will “just know” when a partner(s) is right for us. We are taught to trust our gut and look for personality characteristics such as kindness, intelligence, humor, trustworthiness, and friendliness. While it is important to recognize desirable personality traits while dating or in a relationship, it is also important to learn how to recognize healthy “Green Flag” behaviors and unhealthy “Red Flag” behaviors. Identifying these behaviors can be difficult, particularly when dating or in the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, because our brains release happy hormones- oxytocin and dopamine- to help us bond with a potential partner(s). 

Green Flag behaviors are identified actions that help promote and encourage a healthy, successful relationship. The presence of Green Flag behaviors does not automatically mean that a relationship will be successful but is a contributing factor to the overall satisfaction of a relationship. Red Flag behaviors are identified actions that can be considered harmful to the health and effectiveness of a relationship. Red Flag behaviors can range from mild warnings of incompatibility between partners to more extreme unhealthy, toxic behaviors related to emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. In the examples below, it is not expected that your partner(s) has every Green Flag or completely avoids any Red Flags, but it is helpful to be aware of areas for growth and improvement in a relationship. However, if you suspect you are experiencing relationship abuse, national and local community resources are provided below. 

Examples of Green Flags

  • Respect for personal values and boundaries. A major Green Flag in a relationship is respect, especially for one’s values and boundaries, which establish what is okay or not okay in a relationship. Understanding your values and boundaries, and effectively communicating them to your partner(s), can promote collaboration and reduce conflict.

  • Emotional intelligence. Effective communication and conflict resolution require skills in emotion regulation, including recognizing and managing your own emotions as well as encouraging your partner(s) to feel safe in sharing their own emotions. Emotional intelligence helps promote empathy and understanding between partners when resolving conflict.

  • Effective at compromise, collaboration, and conflict resolution. A partner who understands that you are a team can help with the effectiveness of compromise, collaboration, and conflict resolution. Although your values or goals may not align 100%, there is room for healthy discussion and openness to coming up with creative solutions that can benefit both partners and the relationship itself. 

  • Supportive of your goals and interests. Partners do not need to have the same interests or goals. However, there are multiple ways your partner(s) can support you even with differing interests, whether it is emotional support, financial support, offering encouragement, or asking open-ended questions about your goals or interests to learn more. You don’t both have to love crocheting or want to climb Mount Everest, but it is a Green Flag when your partner(s) is supportive of the things you enjoy.

  • Interacting with them makes you feel good about yourself and the relationship. It is a wonderful feeling when your partner(s) encourages you to be the best version of yourself and it feels good when you are together. A relationship that is characterized by humor, kindness, empathy, encouragement, and support is a positive sign. It is unrealistic to expect the relationship to be perfect all the time, but it is encouraged that positive interactions outweigh negative interactions.

Examples of Red Flags

  • Controlling or excessively jealous behavior. A relationship characterized by excessively controlling or jealous behavior can be a Red Flag because these behaviors usually disrespect the boundaries of privacy and autonomy. In any relationship, you have the right to have relationships with other people in your life, the right to privacy in your communication with others, the right to equality, and the right to make decisions about what you do and who you see within the boundaries of the relationship. 

  • Lack of communication. Effective communication skills do not always come naturally and it does take time to improve how you communicate with others. An unwillingness to learn or improve communication skills can be a sign of a lack of interest in compromise and collaboration. A lack of communication can also lead to an increase in misunderstandings and contribute to conflict in the relationship. 

  • Inability to resolve conflict. An unwillingness to be open-minded and a lack of emotion regulation during conflict can make problem-solving within a relationship difficult. Harmful verbal language, physical escalation, or controlling behavior that make conflict resolution seem impossible. Interventions such as individual counseling and learning de-escalation skills (taking a break, taking responsibility for one’s actions, and self-soothing techniques) may be needed to improve conflict resolution. 

  • Negatively affecting your relationships with your friends and family. Behaviors that aim to isolate or damage your relationship with others are an unhealthy dynamic within a relationship. As mentioned above, you have the right to have relationships with other people in your life, including the right to privacy in your communication with others as long as it is within mutually agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship. 

  • Spending time with them makes you question your worth or value. Negative language or behavior that affects your self-esteem is a Red Flag. A partner should build you up, not make you feel bad about yourself. It is not okay for your partner(s) to use verbally degrading words or criticisms that make you question your worth or value as an individual or as a partner(s) in the relationship. 

I asked some friends and family members to share their relationship green flags with me and below are a few creative responses!

  • Your partner(s) asks, “What can I do for you?” after coming home from working a long shift.  

  • When they respect the boundaries you have with other family members and friends.

  • When they give space when it is asked for, even if their love language is physical touch or quality time.

  • When we learned how to ask if they want advice or just need to vent when feeling stressed about something. 

  • When they care about the little day-to-day moments, not just the big events or grand gestures.

  • When they treat waitstaff with respect and pets like members of the family!

If you’re struggling in your relationship, reach out to see how couples therapy can help you add in more green flags.

Resources

San Antonio

San Antonio Rape Crisis Center - (210) 349-7273

Family Violence Prevention Services - 210-733-8810 

Houston

Houston Area Women’s Center - (713) 528-6798

AVDA (Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse) - (713) 224-9911

National

National Domestic Violence Hotline - (800) 799-7233 

Loveisrespect - (866) 331-9474 

Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) National Hotline - (800) 656-4673 

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