Time for a Sex Talk A Guide for Sexual Communication in Your Relationship
Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC, NCC, CST
Certified Sex Therapist
HFC Lead Therapist and Creative Director
Wait…we’re supposed to talk about sex?
Don’t we just do sex? Talking about it feels awkward…
From an early age, we have been taught that talking about sex is awkward and shameful. We use words like “no-no square” or “private parts” which teaches us that our sexual body parts are wrong or dirty, our parents are uncomfortable in talking about it with us and often never talk about it, and schools typically only focus on reproductive sex. So, once we are sexually active adults, we often haven’t built up a comfort in talking around sex in general, and especially with our sexual partners. Is that a problem? Yes, yes it is. Let me explain…
Why do we have to talk about it?
In any long-term relationship, communication is important to ensure that you are caring for your partner’s needs, game planning how to deal with that annoying family member over the holidays, making sure that you both want to eat Tex-Mex tonight, or making sure you are both feeling loved (amongst infinite other reasons). Communication tends to be difficult in relationships regardless of the topic. However, even when we may be good at communication in most arenas, sex tends to be one topic that most people avoid or struggle to have truly effective and productive communication around.
Just as talking about your hurts and needs and having your partner validate you, apologize when necessary, and make changes in their behaviors can make you feel loved and build trust, good communication about sex can have a similar effect. If you are feeling insecure in how your body looks during sex or have shame around not feeling like you are good at pleasuring your partner, being honest about those struggles can lead to empathy, openness, and a potential for support in finding solutions. Direct communication with your partner can let them know that you may need more validation around how attracted they are to your body or can tell you what they do like in how you make them feel pleasure or teach you some new moves that help turn them on.
Communication also greatly reduces misunderstandings. Just like the classic example of “Let’s eat Grandma!” and the drastic difference that a slight pause a comma adds when we change it to “Let’s eat, Grandma!,” simple misunderstandings in and around sex can be hugely devastating and painful. Maybe you are doing your signature move while having sex with your partner, expecting rock their world, but right as you are at the pinnacle moment they make a face that seems strained or uncomfortable. If you don’t talk about it, you may assume that they hated your signature move and you may now feel shame and avoid doing that move again. Yet if you were to talk about how you felt when you saw that face, you could find out that actually they recognized that they were trying to hold in a fart and were trying really, really hard to not fart on your face.
Additionally, let’s say you have a unique interest in an obscure indie musician that you’ve never told anyone about and you feel lonely because you can’t enjoy that with anyone and hide your interest all to yourself. If you open up and are vulnerable about that interest, maybe your partner could learn to love that artist too, or at least enjoy experiencing your pleasure from that artist as long at it isn’t painful for them to listen to them with you. So maybe you are one of the up to 30% of people who have a foot fetish and you really want to massage and kiss your partner’s feet, but you are afraid to bring this up with your partner. If you never bring it up, you will feel shame every time you have a sexual thought around their feet. If you do talk about it, they may feel more comfortable in sharing kinks or fetishes they have, they may be open to trying it, they may not have the same fetish but may really like how it feels when you rub and kiss their feet so are happy to let you engage that fetish, or they may even find out they really enjoy feet too and you can enjoy that together!
We Want to Talk More About Sex, but We Just Can’t Seem to Make it Happen
Shame, fear, and embarrassment tend to be the main roadblocks to couples having better sexual communication. Maybe we have come from a culture or background that shames or avoids sex, if so, we need to create a new culture within our relationship that normalizes and celebrates talking about sex. The more we do it, the easier it gets. Maybe we are afraid of being judged or rejected. Through developing more trust in all areas of your relationship and practicing some vulnerability with things that are relatively easier to share, you can build your way up to feeling safer. If you are able to be vulnerable and your partner responds positively, that will train your brain to want to be more vulnerable in the future.
Some Tips for Healthy Sexual Communication
- Create a safe space
Pick neutral, comfortable, and private spaces for these conversations. Don’t have these conversations in places where you are worried about being heard or feel overstimulated
- Save enough time
Make sure to block off enough time to not feel rushed. If you have a time limit of only 10-20 minutes, then you should probably find another time for the conversation when you have the flexibility to take however much time is needed.
- Use active listening skills
PUT THE PHONE AWAY – Little can ruin vulnerable conversation more than feeling like the other person is not really listening to you or values whatever is on their phone more than you. Leave the phone in the other room.
Keep eye contact
Ask questions for deeper explanation or understanding
Don’t jump to problem solving, focus on understanding rather than fixing
Repeat back what you heard: “What I heard you say was____. Did I get that right?”
Validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel ___ because ____.”
- Talk about what you want in positive (additive) terms
“I really like when you do____, could you do more of that?”
- Communicate regularly
Regular check-ins after every sexual encounter are essential.
Communicate during sex, including what feels good, when you need more lube, how sexy they look, or how much you love them.
- Be open minded!
Never cross boundaries, but if you haven’t tried something your partner wants to try and don’t know if you will like it, be open to trying it. If it isn’t crossing a boundary or going to harm you, then let yourself be open to being surprised! Challenge those preconceived notions.
Important Things to Avoid in Sexual Communication
- Avoid shaming them or putting them down in anyway.
If they didn’t make you feel good, you need to communicate that, but talk more about what you need rather than how they failed.
- Don’t Yuck their Yum
If your partner shares a fantasy, desire, kink, or fetish that you don’t think you like, don’t shame them for it. You don’t have to have the same interest in what they are mentioning, and can even set a boundary if it feels uncomfortable or harmful for you to engage in that interest, but always try to be sensitive and understanding. If you feel judgment, ask questions to understand more of why they enjoy what they enjoy.
-Don’t disregard boundaries.
If your partner(s) has set a boundary. Respect it. Crossing a boundary that has been communicated can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. If you do not understand their boundary, ask questions and seek understanding with curiosity. Do not try to change their boundary.
Ok so we are talking now, but what do we even talk about?
- After a sexual experience, it is always good to process what happened.
What went well?
Trade-off sharing things you really enjoyed from the experience
What didn’t go so well?
Were any boundaries crossed? Was there undesired pain? Did you interpret the other person not liking something you did? Did you notice something within yourself that detracted from the experience that you didn’t expect?
Desires for future experiences
Make suggestions of things that you want to try next time to add excitement or fun as well as things that may improve on some of the less positive aspects of the experience
- Boundaries
What boundaries do you have when it comes to sex? This is a huge topic in and of itself, but thinking about and share what the must haves and must not haves are in your sexual relationship.
Potential boundaries include:
Monogamy vs. consensual non-monogamy
Who we share information around our sexuality with
Certain sexual activities we are comfortable with or not
Things we need to feel safe
Privacy concerns
Health concerns
Protection around STI’s
Contraception/Pregnancy
Potential triggers from past trauma
- Roadblocks
What things get in the way of you connecting sexually? Do we need to have better boundaries around saving time for sex? Do we need to pick a better time of day for sex to fit both of our needs? Do we need a better space for sex? Are we struggling with physical issues or pain that needs to be addressed? Any emotional or mental health blocks?
- Nonverbals
Only 10% of communication is verbal; so, during sex what are the nonverbals you and your partner use and what do they actually mean. We often misinterpret our partner’s nonverbals, which can be very misleading and could lead to harm.
- Desires and Fantasies
What are things you want to try? What do you fantasize about doing with your partner? Have you fantasized about having a threesome? Have you wanted to try some role play? Maybe you want to try some bondage or dom/sub play? Talk about these things and be open and vulnerable.
Hopefully this guide has helped you start to think about the value of communicating more around sex with your partner and has given you some ideas of how to do so. If this is a topic you are wanting to explore further, individual or couples sex therapy could be a great way to practice these skills and take these ideas much further. As you work on your sexual communication on your own, focus primarily on being open, honest, vulnerable, and respectful. Lastly, don’t forget to have f%cking fun!!