The Dirtiest Word in Sex…“Performance:” Understanding How Anxiety and Shame Lead to Sexual Dysfunction
Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC, NCC, CST
Certified Sex Therapist
HFC Lead Therapist and Creative Director
Let’s talk about sexual “performance.” If you are like most people that have ever talked about their sexual experience or “ability,” you have likely thought of or talked about your “sexual performance,” being able to “perform sexually,” or “having performance issues.” There are many places where sex and sexuality is truly a performance, and it can be highly entertaining and, of course, arousing—movies, live shows, pornography, theater, and clubs, but outside of a little role play, the sex that you have in your personal life is not a performance. Performing is about putting on a show, pretending, and presenting something you have rehearsed time and time again. Good sex is not about those things at all—good sex is all about being raw, real, human, a little messy, feeling good (even if it doesn’t look pretty) and having a lot of fucking fun! (pun intended)
Time and time again, I have heard clients, especially male clients, talk about their issues in sex as “performance issues.” As a sex therapist, “sexual performance” has become a bad phrase in my work, primarily because simply calling the issue “performance” is one of and sometimes the primary reason that the “issue” exists in the first place. How could something as minor as calling something a “performance” lead to issues related to our physical bodies? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s talk about it. (Even if you didn’t ask, I am still going to tell you anyway.)
The major complaints that people are typically talking about when they cite “performance issues” are related to erections not developing or not lasting (Erectile Dysfunction), Delayed or Premature Ejaculation, being too tight to receive penetration (vaginally or anally) and/or low sexual desire. When I encounter these issues with my clients, anxiety and shame are the culprits a vast majority of the time. Sex is a vulnerable activity, and often an intimate one too. When engaging in such vulnerability and then experiencing disappointment due to things not going according to your expectation or to the expectation or hope of your partner, it can be devastating. That shame and anxiety leads to second-guessing ourselves, being worried about what will happen the next time we have sex, and not being engaged in the moment. If sex starts to feel like work and stress, we are missing the point of the whole thing, and we are literally, physically preventing ourselves from having the sex we want.
In order for arousal to develop, we first have to have some sort of thought or sensory touch that our brain interprets as sexy and exciting. Then our brain has to tell our various body parts, organs, blood vessels, and muscles (really the list goes on and on) to react. There are a lot of neurological and physiological processed required for physical arousal to develop for people with both penises and vulvas. Being turned on is a full body experience! So, what happens when we add in anxiety or shame that manifest as thoughts like:
“Will I stay hard this time? I know I didn’t last time”
“Is this going to hurt? Why am I always so tight!”
“I really should be working out more, my body isn’t as sexy as those guys in porn”
“Am I going to cum after only 2 pumps again? I really don’t want to let them down again”?
When we let these intrusive thoughts that are fueled by anxiety and shame enter and linger into our minds before and/or during sex, we start to spiral, often hyper-focusing on the things we don’t want to have happen or on our insecurities, rather than focusing on the moment and how sexy our partner(s) is/are and how good everything feels. Spiraling in these thoughts is just like having 50 tabs open on your computer’s web browser all streaming 4k video. What happens? Doing so many things at once, your computer slows down and stops being able to function as well as it normally would. Shockingly, the human brain and modern computers are eerily similar in their structure and function. So, when you have too many tabs open slowing down your brain (anxiety spirals around “performance”), you are making your brain, effectively, glitch out or stall, and it can struggle to send the right cues to all of the right systems and parts of your body to manifest and maintain arousal and orgasm.
So, what do we do about it? It’s not like I want to be thinking those anxious thoughts!
Here is what to do about it:
1. Avoid the “performance” word.
Stop calling your erections, orgasms, desire, comfort, or ease of receiving penetration as your “performance.” Talk about these things with their actual names and be honest with yourself and your partner(s).
2. Change your expectations.
Using penetration and/or orgasm as the minimum threshold for a successful sexual experience is unrealistic and unfair. Bodies are not machines; they sometimes have a mind of their own and don’t function how we want at all times. Sometimes we are too anxious from a stressful deadline at work and can’t get in the mood. So maybe we move away from penetration and explore more sensory play, mutual masturbation, or explore a new toy instead of sticking to the same old script.
3. Ground yourself in the moment.
Slow down and pay attention to your five senses, think to yourself about things that you see, feel, hear, smell, and taste. Connecting to your body gets you out of your head and in to the present-pushing anxiety away.
4. Pivot what you’re trying to do in that moment.
If your vagina or anus are too tight and penetration hurts, or your penis isn’t erect how you want, then pivot. Stop trying to force something that isn’t going to happen. Stop trying to make an erection happen or push through pain. That’s a bad idea. Instead, do something else fun—kiss their neck, start touching and licking your partner, cuddle, stare into their eyes and tell them why you love them or why you think they are so sexy and hot. If you are able to refocus and do something else pleasurable, maybe the anxiety will decrease and your body may react differently, maybe it won’t, either way it’s good.
5. Be patient and loving with yourself.
If your erection is inconsistent, then be nice to yourself instead of beating yourself up. Your body is how you experience the joys of sex, so be grateful for it!
6. Have f%cking fun!
Seriously, we forget this wayyy too often. Sex is supposed to be fun. So be silly, laugh, don’t take yourself too seriously, and enjoy yourself
Hopefully these thoughts are a helpful and simplified intro into helping you take the performance out of your sex and bring the real fun back. If you and/or your partner(s) are struggling with anything discussed here, sex therapy can be a great way to find healing, liberation, and improvement in your sexual life.