Therapy is Not Just For Women
By Rachel Ealy, M.Ed., LPC-Intern
Recently a couple of my male clients have expressed how difficult it was to start counseling – and that it was something encouraged by their girlfriend, wife, or female friends. So, I decided to do some research:
· About 1/3 of people in therapy are men (in the United States)
· Over 14% of men struggle with mental health disorders
· Only about 60% percent of men with depression seek help
· Only about 5% of men utilize outpatient mental health services
· Only about 9% of men utilize prescription medication for mental health illnesses
· There is a higher rate of suicide among men; in fact, in 2017 men died by suicide 3.54 times more often than women (Men Seeking Counseling: The Alarming Statistics, 2017).
This blog is not intended to minimize women’s mental health issues, it is intended to highlight that many men are not seeking help and to start breaking down the stigma for men.
Starting at a young age we begin a lifelong process called socialization, the process of internalizing the norms of society. Gender socialization occurs when boys and girls get messages about what it means to be a girl and what it means to be a boy. These messages often come from the toys children play with. Boys are socialized to be strong, tough, independent, emotionless, powerful, rough-and-tumble; and are told to “rub some dirt on it” and that “boys don’t cry.” Take a minute to think about what those words can do to a young, impressionable child.
The graphics below were very eye opening to me (the larger the text, the more frequently it appears in toy marketing) (Men and Masculinities, n.d.).
Girls:
Boys:
Incredible, right? The two graphics couldn’t be more different.
Recently, I listened to a Hidden Brain Podcast entitled “The Lonely American Man” – link below
This podcast delves into what happens when men are socialized to believe that “needing others is a sign of weakness and that being vulnerable is unmanly” (Vedantam, 2018). It is about 50 minutes – check it out when you have some time.
In a nutshell, the research shows that many young boys have close friendships and believe that their friendships will remain like this for the rest of their lives, but reality shows that many men struggle to maintain friendships as they age. The podcast suggests that the problem may begin in adolescence. Adolescence is a time when boys (and girls) go though many changes physically and emotionally and, due to adolescent egocentrism, believe that all eyes are on them. Backing up, adolescent egocentrism is a term coined by a child psychiatrist by the name of David Elkind meaning that during the teenage years, children struggle to differentiate between their own perspective and the perspective of others. “Teenagers consistently believe their view is the only possible view, and all other ideas are false or entirely nonexistent” (Horne, 2019). This has a profound impact on the way teenagers behave. Due to the gendered messages children received starting at a very young age, and as they form their own identity, liking ‘feminine’ things or being anything other than what is perceived as strong, powerful, in control, emotionless etc., etc., is seen as weak, soft, girly, gay, etc. Although not always the case, men often overcorrect to make sure that they are not seen in this way – which unfortunately results in the loss of connections and close friendships, the ability to be vulnerable with others, the ability to recognize and understand their own emotions, and the ability to seek help.
Consequences
Men are not seeking help. Often times, this results in self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Because being in touch with emotions, being vulnerable, and allowing yourself to lean on others are all closely related to work that is done in counseling, many men are not seeking therapy. When young boys are socialized to depend on themselves, they believe that they can handle anything that is thrown at them, and if they don’t do so independently, then they MUST be weak. Talking to a therapist, that’s a sign of weakness. Never mind mental illness, the stigma that mental illness carries with it, i.e. a sign of weakness and incompetence, coupled with men’s view of what it means to be a man, makes seeking help/therapy very unattractive. This has very detrimental effects on men in our society. I am here to tell you, it doesn’t have to be that way. Therapy is not just for women. As the wonderful Brené Brown says, “vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure…[and it is also] the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Facing vulnerability makes you step out of your comfort zone, which takes tremendous courage. Let’s start stripping the stigma away from mental health. YOU ARE WELCOME HERE!
To wrap up, here is a link to a 20 minute TED talk from Brené Brown on vulnerability.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
If you’re ready to face vulnerability, contact us for a free consultation for adult therapy.
References:
Horne, C. (2019). What is adolescent egocentrism, and how can I deal with it as a parent?. Retrieved from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adolescence/what-is-adolescent-egocentrism-and-how-can-i-deal-with-it-as-a-parent/
Men and masculinities (n.d.). Retrieved from https://wgac.colostate.edu/education/gender-and-identity/men-and-masculinities/
Men seeking counseling: the alarming statistics (2017). Retrieved from https://gatewaycounseling.com/men-seeking-counseling-statistics/
Vedantam, S. (2018, March 19). Guys, we have a problem: How American masculinity creates lonely men. Hidden Brain. Podcast retrieved from https://www.npr.org/transcripts/594719471?storyId=594719471?storyId=594719471